>Short Version: I have less then 5 hours to clean/mask/whatever my system to p a random drug screen!!!?

The best you can do is drink loads and loads of water in an attempt to flush everything through, although I'm pretty sure the effect will not be very significant. In short, there really isn't anything you can do to make your body eliminate drugs more quickly, and anyone who tells you otherwise is trying to sell you something of dubious value.